Oh My God I Was A Terrible Blogger

What seemed a cheerful exercise in nostalgia turned out to be what is best described as self-inflicted torture.

You see, I’ve been on WordPress for almost 2 years now and I thought it might tickle my fancy as a fabulous narcissist to observe my former proto-blogger self and to, in turn, see some evolution of- perhaps- eloquence, vocabulary or critical insight.

It happened to end up, veritably, a comparison between neanderthal and man itself. Whatever the human physical limitation is for cringes-per-hour is, I think I have exceeded it.

I hate my former blogger self. I was such an edgy little cringelord. I would go as far as to say that my writing was so villainous that I actively pity myself when my eyes tentatively gloss over the toxic cringewords, and in these instances I pity myself more than I do on a regular daily basis, and that is truly saying something. Should we dissect some of my finest moments from my 2014/15 gloryposts? I think we shall!

Exhibit A:

cringeblogs 1

Ahhh, what a little shitbangler I was (would someone add that to my overflowing list of insulting neologisms, please? Thanks). I think this paragraph was probably the product of a kind of disclosure fetish popularized by GamerGate. People need to know my biases, okay? I am, and especially was then, an extremely influential figure in new games journalism okay? OBJECTIVITY IS BETTER THAN SEX.

Ehibit B:

cringeblogs 2

Ohhhhhh Goddddd. I want to retreat into a shell when I read this. Only a legitimate knobcobbler would write something this wince-inducing (add that to the pile, as well!). Look, we were all 15 year old boys once. Can I travel back in time and retroactively fit myself with a shock collar specifically utilised just for this kind of trash? Hopefully.

Exhibit C:

cringeblogs 3

This particular transgression isn’t as putrid as the others, but I have a fundamental disagreement with the concept of this post. It is still absolutely indicative of an irredeemable muffbuckler (you know what to do) writing the piece.

My taste in games is in a constant state of fluctuation… the supposition behind this article, being that the list would remain an eternal and definitive opinion is absolutely ridiculous. To be honest I don’t think I could even summon up my 10 favourite games in a rankings list… my favourite games come from completely different genres and are essentially incomparable. They have entirely differing success criteria. And the games in that list would absolutely not be the same where I to make the list again today. Shut the hell up, little me.

I know I should be really disappointed in myself and should swiftly delete my internet presence entirely, obliterating any existing and potential filth of this ilk, but honestly it makes me kinda happy.

These terrible posts, even my stupid ass alias that I made when I was 14, it’s oddly charming. The fact that I can actively hate things that I have written so long ago is more a sign of education than current incompetence. I read newer and newer posts from my backlogs and I’m increasingly proud of their quality. I’m glad that I’ve evidently improved so dramatically.

Look back, look back at the cringey abyss, I implore you! Gaze upon your utter disgrace of a former self and rejoice in the fact that you are better now!

Ah, it is uncommonly jolly to have been a complete pubewrangler.


7 thoughts on “Oh My God I Was A Terrible Blogger

  1. I merged 5 blogs last year dating back to posts from 2005 – 2007. I am convinced there was a period when I was on drugs while typing some old posts they were so bad… I just don’t remember taking the drugs…. 😊😖😐😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hang on, hang on, am I reading this right? If you made your alias back in 2014, when you were 14, does that mean you’re 16 now? Because my God I wish I was writing like this at 16. Hell, I wish I was writing like this now. I never even once thought to use the term “pubewrangler”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, thank you so much! I’m actually 17 now but I coined the name ‘Vahrkalla’ as a character for this, retrospectively, dumb ass book I was writing when I was 14. I started using it for this dumb ass blog a year later when I was 15.

      Thanks so much for the kind words! Permission to spread that term granted. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think writing a dumb ass book is a rite of passage at age 14. Or, in my case, an epic sci-fi/fantasy tetralogy that was going to put Lord of the Rings to shame. Clearly it worked and I am now a billionaire.

        Liked by 1 person

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