The OGs reading this who have been with me since this site’s unfortunate inception will know that this glorious online powerhouse was founded on a massive hatepost about a game I didn’t even own (pause, sunglasses flare). My vicarious randy anger on behalf of Assassin’s Creed: Unity owners (obviously too advanced in critical assessment and efficacious as a literary tingle-fest to draw in a mainstream audience) started my website off on the right foot, and since that day (16th of November 2014, currently petitioning to canonise as a holiday) I’ve sent forth waves, nay, legions of my word-hate into the online sphere, I have sprayed a veritable haze of incendiary uzi-fire all over mainstream and independent game developers, all of whom I assume are so intimidated by my magniloquence and blogger-clout that they refuse to return my calls.
But, token lady and gentlemen, I am here today to hold up to the light (which is not the morning sunlight, which has no magnificent beams, but which is the nauseous, humming electrical light from the bathroom of a 3-star Yelp reviewed chicken shop owned by a sweaty miscreant) a game that is undeniably dung, which as an object of reason is an affront to God, that harbours as much creative success as Harambe’s death, but which nonetheless I have completely committed myself to these past few days. Paid female viewer and gentlemen, may I present to you Eek! Games’s debut title House Party:
Where to begin? How to summarise In Search of Lost Time? The Bhagavad Gita? In Eek! Games’s own words, their first IP
“is a throwback to adventure style games like Leisure Suit Larry” – @EekGamesLLC
You know, those seedy yet questionably popular 80s and 90s games with the loveable protagonist you would totally sit next to on an otherwise unoccupied subway carriage.
But the days of pixelated pseudo-women are over and done with, and Eek! sEek to carry on Larry’s legacy of ludic virginal excitement with a game that admittedly entranced me through and through. Having first seen footage of the game on YouTube, its glitched-up glory immediately had me, when I saw characters Frank and Patrick engaged in a fist fight through coffee tables and banisters I immediately knew I was destined to play this game, the ridiculous physics of those rounds of fisticuffs next to the lunar gravity of the female characters’ breast physics had me absolutely ensnared. I very rarely experience a piece of media that is so bad it must be good, that inebriates me in the same way as Wiseau’s The Room, where my suspension of disbelief can only ever be shafted and the line between unintentional shambles and tongue-in-cheek lunacy blurs. This type of thing, this type of wondrous experience, is so rare to me and I couldn’t resist sinking into the game entirely.
The game is so poor as an erotic simulator that my delight can only bloom, the situations you are landed in as a member of the house party are so unforgivably contrived towards assisting the girls in removing articles of their clothing. I am increasingly amazed at the girls’ willingness to strip down in front of you, whom 20 minutes prior was a complete stranger.
My clothes are wet. Why don’t you, faceless male stranger, assist me in removing them? This is the obvious solution. You assisted me in this needless task? Commence intercourse.
Do you see that, loyal reader? She loves me!
Licence my roving hands, and let them go,Before, behind, between, above, below.O my America! my new-found-land,My kingdom, safeliest when with one man mann’d,
I know that it’s a bit of an easy move to throw a decidedly downward punch at what is essentially a gamified porn storyline, but I must assert that this game is a particular case of unintentional hilarity. It is not only the gleeful reprehensibility in its portrayal of young women through its earnest attempt to be an erotic simulator that tickles me, but in its attempt to provide the player with the opportunity to wreak sexual havoc at a house party it actually becomes quite endearing.
To the teen with a blog about videogames, at least in the earlier years since blog-inception, house parties were a very awkward place for me and my friends of a similar situation. They were place in which mild sexual experience and underage alcohol consumption is levied as a basis of success, a criterion that usually battled both my complete personal inexperience and my recognition of the fact that these situations were almost always factories of regret for the people I’d talked to. Going to your first set of house parties in your teens is a social thunderstorm and anyone who denies they ever felt such apprehension is just lying. These parties for me were at an awkward age where I had to accept that unhealthy decisions that elude my experience or understanding will simply be made if not by me then by someone I wish wouldn’t make them, and the fact that I could not leave and must participate in this arena of moral shitshow starring teenagers, alcohol, and music I don’t like… it could be nauseating, and I’m sure you can all relate or have a story about your first house party.
So for me, in a moment of simulated depravity where I simply whipped it out and had a bit of a wank, I think that I experienced the most intense catharsis of any story I have ever experienced, and it was profound. The idea of completely disregarding the social codes and entirely shafting internal/external pressures to impress people at a house party is almost inconceivable, and I could not have possibly visualised what that would be like were it not for House Party. The fact that there is a hotkey to expose yourself on command is nothing less than glorious and I feel that more AAA developers need to catch up with this stuff.
It is this chaotic element of House Party that, for me, secures its greatness. You can topple over speakers, remove all your clothes, tamper with the hostess’s personal belongings, irk every single member in attendance, start a fight et cetera, all with a kind of blissful effortlessness.
It is this ease of social anarchy that Bakunin would be proud of that earns this game, this awful creation, this sexist bullshit, my coveted Seal! of approval.
What am I doing with my life…