27th Octobre 2187
Deere Officere Jackson,
Maye I begin by expressinge mye strongest approval for the Publishinge initiativ. The ONS’s recent reporte shows moral amongste the rural sectors to be at an annual lowe, and with paper ration supplies skyrocketinge this month, the initiativ seems a strok of geniuss. The boardd have decidede for a €400 prize for each winnere. It also gives in particularr the women somethinge to striv fore whilste annuall curfewe comes to an ende. We all knowe the domestication act drives them restles. Myn Angie does so wail att me! Me and the boys have done a sweepe of the Primary Sectors, and these two texts were shortlisted by the peopel for the prize.
The firste is ‘Thoughten ubut thas Werlt’ by a Brightoner Kraut callede Anthony Steiger (Sx104e#115). He’s a kraut-caste, farmer boy. Ration priority 2. You have to squinte and tilte your head a bit for us Londoners to understande it, it’s in Germinglish, but the Southerners seem to love it. My interpreterr described it as a ‘philosophical musing’. Enjoy!
Thoughten ubut thas Werlt
Kame to heore lotto Sprech about buch shrieben so and so. I had a freund Mathias tell it ernst to me ubut the geld can becomen mit a wrily gut buch. Ist many shribers famous, they names hab on the posties nd thhre Mugs am tele. Wollen dat.
Nie bin in schule much. Guten marks becommen me, und matter alway sag ‘Anthony, klever boy! Goot son. Besser then oder Jung’. Matter alway lovv me so. Imma dah. When she is reading dies, hallo matter! Ih haven tald ydu I write woulden! Ah. Grohsmatters des mutters wasen Englisch lehrnerin. Es in bluud, klarly. Matter alway lesening. Hrre libe buke iss ‘Katcherin Das Rye’. I dank es is thie Name. Shie immer sag ubut et: ‘Is so wahr und so real’. Ja. Ichkan it not lesen, ahber. Shie wahnt me um Alt Englisch (odr ‘English’) to lern, bat et my slimsten subject im schul wars. Ets nikt so easyfacher. Grammatickly so. Tzu many Rulen.
Whann ydu lesen dis? Stoopid. Ydu kannikt sag! Fur Futurmannen (fur thee fahr fahr futurmannen, ist today yahr 2187), Sinz die Bombe, ‘English’ nikt so kommon ist. Es sprachen still am London, Ihthenke, aber nicht in Devon so much. Hiere, many Sausages kam nord durch Franz. Fatter ware a Sausij. Englische Mannen call Germanish mannen ‘Sausages’. Essa slur. Es is lotto tensionkeit nd ‘bad bluud’, as matter has sagd. Still today. Evenso Fatter a sausage waren, Matter lieben fatter till es geshotten waren in krieg. Ihglauben, shie lieben fatter still evenso. ‘Fur me, War is whar’ shie sagd ohnce. Dhey waren im 2127 geweden. Thann ihkam! Ichremember nikt so much ubut fatter. Fatter tzu olt tzu die Bombe rememberen.
Ichtalk tzu masch ubut kinderhoot. Many hab Spieriences, thass man Life changen kan. Ichthinke, thass Ichhad one juzt now! Ihwas down die Strass walken, nikt stressd, all kool, um mein Rations tzu becommen, und Ichhad die grossest Mann Ichhad eber sehen gesehen. Musceln fur Dayen. Beine like Bullen. Vasschular all uber. Veins achimbo. Streng like Bull. Ration priorichtee 1, Ich must thenke. Ahneway, Heware walken oder Direktion, nd a Frankie kam up and sagd ‘Excuzez-moi! Ces’t peepule-like-a-you-eh taking-ue all our-ue Rationz-eh!’, oder samthing vie dat. Big Frankie. Generazionen zwei, Ich must thenke. Gross Frankie voice. Very Nasel. Ich gess, heware ration type 4. Clyne man. Aneehoo, hewaren starten tzu thass Bull hitten! Mit his fisten. Bang bang bang, boom boom. Clyne Bomben all uber. Butt, the Bull juzt had es so. No flinchen.
Man, nie gessen wass nexte happenen. Die Bull-man pickend him nord, bei die Kollar! ‘What’s going on here?’ askden Offizier in der naher. Bull seh at er, angery Augen, sehen Rot. He sehim good and lang. Gess he fast gonna get hurten. Thann, Bull-man kry! Schrying all uber. Gesichter vee a See. Wett wett wett. Bull in dee raign. ‘Es ist nicht meine Schuld!’ erepeaten.
Das is my Roman. My Storybuch. It hab a art of Loyte, all Bull and Bombe. Dann, scratchen dee Surfas, Bull wet all uber. Hab a kind of Kind vee thass. Hab a kind of Bombe alway off gehen.
The second is ‘Kutty-punch’ by ‘Fiddol’ (reele name Alex Butland, ration priority 6, NLxTUAh#006). He’s somewhatt of a socialite around the developmental areas of London. Officiallee unemployed as of last weeke but getss by well enouf. I suppose you coulde cal it a romantick tale of violence and sensitivitee bothe.
Boys, peel yer ears and stook the fiyer, like. I always red in the Greekie plays they always had one of them choruses, I heard that I did. Not like in yer music, but in yer plays like. This is old toimes. Befor the bamb. This is me corussey part. Me blooder and chummo Jack-o say the korus ha’be ‘diedactic’. Nowe if there won thing I don’t erpreshiate in this Gord-givvon loife I have, it is a man using vokabulerry in a way that he arsumes he is abov me. Very paytronising and not at al deemocratic like. See, I donno whathefuck didactic sposed to mean. So a’much as I love me blooder Jack-o it was indede incumbent on me to punchim smack in his gobber, a’he were being a most disreespectful motherfocker. Mam always sedd reespect is the waye forwerd after the big-bamb. Reespect all we got. Becaus I no la-dee-da ration-1-er, I don’t know what diedactic focken means so as far as I concerend a korussey bit is just an intodckshion, which is reet helpfol. I were just ownlee previously pacing round me room troina figgur out how too start me little story and I had not a klew. Then I thot of Dottor Faustus, me Enlgisch teacher made me read tha backin 2182, but that year I got the rubble-sickness so I never lern or nothin, like. Tha had a Korus tho. Chorus. Those Greekies got it all figgur out. They know how to start a playe, they do. They made more’n a couple, I think they did.
For the perpos o pasing the chorus is now don, an we are in Act 1 I think. Wel, the chorussey bit wer quite lang, so acshlee we are in Act 2 I do think. Act 2 begins in pab. Pab in New Leverstock, in developments. Good chummos. Good biir. Lot o’laufter every noite. Pabkeeper name Grislock. Good old chum.
I fergat to set seen praperly, as oi were aboot to describe big chum Grislock but I fergat there is also other characters in seen. Okay, rewoind a lil bet. We in Grislock pab. Usuwolly Jack-o tharr too and usuwolly I ponch him in gobber bekas he has a way of patronoising pepal he shold not be patronising bekas they are his chummo, and require the atmost reespect. Love Jack-o very much, tho that be the case indede. Many character here my blooders. So ther jacko and Pigbank. Pigbank real name Vladdo, but Vladdo known by Pigbank and Piggo (or piggybank by is missus) bekas Vladdo keep collectin battlecaps. Loike, an battles. Sometime he shake so much widdem battlecaps he clinker like money in a piggybank. An he fat as shite too, tho that is not so democratic too say, it is not. So we have Piggo, Jack-0 n Grislock but anather krushial character mus be Flass. Flass real name Michal, but we call him Flass. Like Dennalflass, because we jest tha his cock so thin tha when he use it on a girlie they end up flassin with it. We got gales from tha one we did.
Act 3 I think now, as the storee is now establish mostly. Anyway, in pab, we drinkin lats and lats because ration day come in for all boys. It raining geld on us boys! Grislock tending to pab and we boys on the snook. I always teach my boys a think or two about the snook. Witha snooker-cue I’ma weapon. Life lot like a snook table. Some men fall in ther holes faster than others. Anyway, Grislock kam up to us n ha’the gall to ask ‘Boys, whados love mean to all yews?’.
‘Askin ferra chum?’ said I, bekas I was perplexed by his inquiree I was.
‘He ain’t got no chum’ said Jack-o, to which I replied,
‘Odious fellowe, do not patronise our deer chum, or I shall smite yew down old Chummo’
‘I forget moiself’ start Jack-o, ‘I did forget thee democratique nature of our exchanges in this here poblic forum of arr pab’
‘Yes deer Jack-o, we must be diplomatic in al things’
‘I am glad we have settled this, chummo Fiddol’
I fergat to say woi I is the Fiddol for the reeder who das nat know me as well as my deerest chummo Jack-o. In pab we all different sizes. Grislock big fellar. Ration prioritee 2 fer his size. He tha double bass. In arr own little pab cultur, we is high sosietee, I loike to think so I do. So we is fine and expensive and senseetive chums, all like the instruments of classecol music. Jack-o inch taller than me, so he the viola and Oi the Fiddle, Flass the chello.
Anyhoo, Flass come in an say
‘Lav is like a drog’
‘Loike it changes yer brane?’ askin Grislock
‘Nah, like it changes yer cock’ said Flass
‘That is so iredeemly volgar to say,’ startin Jack-o ‘and how would a man equippèd loike yerself be able to tell down tharr’
‘It is so very tru tho, Grislack,’ said Flass ‘Love is the great chummo of Sex. They are best chummos’
‘I disagree that they are best chummos’ Piggo interject, he do,
‘They are indede the best of chummos’ kontinue Flass
‘Please expand on this very here hypotheesees while I go and help moiself to another divine libation this heer eveninge’ said Piggo, and he go and do just tha
‘When yew lov a girl’ go Flass on, ‘yew lav her for what yew can look at an what yew can grab at with yer manclaws’
A nod o’consideration go around the pab, and Piggo got his gums around the biir tap and Grislock reprimand him so fierce
‘You love her for her coddlies’ sad Flass
And a toast to coddlies go around the room. Big ones, small ones, and unconventionals too, a moment were there dedicated to the coddlies of our lives
‘And her shapeleys’
And a wistful cheer go around pab for the shapeleys of the girlies of the world. Gad knows I pray for a werld o’ shapeleys when I go ap heaven-bound
‘An the way she wiggle and wolk. Lov is found in the hole and not the soul’
‘Buh tha is a sinical conclusion to’ and Piggo belch louder than the bamb ‘to draw heer this verrey evening. Are we not then meerely feeld animals shagging arr way into the loam of death old chummo’
‘You are animal, Piggo, and you will oink yourself to death old chummo, because I believe you never get a shag, I do’ said Jack-o, patronizing as evver
‘Oh chum, Oh chum’, said Flass
‘Do you nat learn, Jack-o’, quod I, ‘This is not once’
‘Nat once’ repeating Grislock
‘Buh twice you do here betray the deemocratique nature of our here pub-forum by inspireeng animosity amongst us chummos. Piggo I trust, I do, Is verrey hurt’
‘I am, Fiddol, I am most crest’ and he belch ‘crest fallen because of this here’
‘Chummos, please continue, perhaps it is the biire that does talk for me in absense of my here wits’ quod Jack-o, and we give a scalding look because we love chummo Jack-o an he must learn Deemocracy, he must.
‘Flass, this is much a valid position to have, it is, but is there not mare to lov than cuddlies and shapelies?’ askin Grislock again, and Piggo do a belch so fierce we think he shrink in his diamater he did
‘I, dearest Grislock, do think that Love is found in the soul, and not in the hole’ quod Piggo
An we all raise a glass to the hole, the bestest and dearest Chummo a man kan have, for it understand us best, it do
‘For there are pleasures in yer mind that love can bring, that yer member down tharr cannot, and they is different and there is indede a significant distinction, there is’
‘But yer mind don’t have feelers, like’ quod Flass
‘Yah, because yew feel em in yer brain in, like, neurological exchanges’ sad Piggo
‘Like a brain-cock?’ quod Flass
‘Yar, like a brain-cock that feels all the good brain feelings that love does inspire in the besotted individual’ quod Piggo
‘This is most interesting’ sad Grislock and he strokin his chin like ‘But can you have love of the soul without love of the hole, like?’
‘The hole is the goal, the hole makes us whole, it is undeniable’ sad Jack-o, and I had to strike him so rapturous in his goolies because this were clearly the third time he had threatened the democracy of the pab
‘Do nat be so animalistic, Jack-o’, quod I, bekas I love him so ‘we must first recognise that carnal pleasures are beneath us like, before we can begin to indulge them also like’
And a nod of agreement go around the pab and we raise a glas of biir to the recognition of carnal pleasures as beneath us like, bekas it keeps us human it does. While Jack-o incapacitated from goolie-smack, we all think about the nature of hole and soul.
Is a kind of issue to keep a chummo on his toes for his life, it is. It is a kind of absurd. Is a kutty-punch to the mind-goolies, the inquiree of lovve. We have most finished Act 5 I think now, anI think another Chorus bit comes after, but I thought Chorus was an introduction, so this much makes no sense. I am now to finish my tale, and I hope it was verily diedactic, to quod Jack-o, the bestest of chummos.
Lett me know whatt you thinke, and I’ll contacte the boys.
General Dir. Richard Havisham